Another pig-cool blog post

Pork and potatoes are the twin mainstays of German cuisine, but pigs, at least, seem to have infiltrated the German language as well. In addition to the aforementioned saugeil (pig-horny, aka cool), Germans can describe winters as saukalt (pig-cold)*, concert tickets as sauteuer (pig-expensive), and people they don't like as saudumm (pig-stupid). This doesn't make sense, of course - are pigs cold? Are they horny? They're definitely not stupid - but logic hasn't played a role in the development of most languages, and German is no exception.

And just in case you needed any more proof, please refer to the German dubbing of Die Hard, in which German John McClane utters the immortal line, "Yippee-ki-yay, du Schweinebacke!" (Yippee-ki-yay, you pig cheek!). QED. Game, set, match. Checkmate.

As a bonus, please enjoy this picture of me looking worried about dinner (and the prevalence of pig imagery in the German language).

*if it's a long winter and you need to switch it up, you can also say arschkalt (ass-cold).

P.S. My go-to online dictionary suggests "colder than a brass toilet seat in the Yukon" as the best/only translation for saukalt, so apparently Germans aren't the only ones with colourful cold imagery.

Positivity

As the most wonderful time of the year (TM) draws near, let's review German expressions of approval. These are suitable for use in approving of the weather, the food, the decor - whatever, go crazy! "But do," you ask, "Germans actually approve of things?"

Yup! Sometimes! And when they do, they say things like this:

• Dieser Schnitzel ist der Hammer! (Literally: This schnitzel is the hammer!)
• Dein neues T-shirt ist geil! (Literally: Your new t-shirt is horny!)
• And the ultimate expression of approval: Das Backstreet Boys Konzert war sau geil! (The Backstreet Boys concert was sow* horny!)

In conclusion, if you work really, really hard, maybe someday you, like me**, can be the hammer. Or pig horny. Whichever you prefer.

* sow, a pig, a female pig; ray, a drop of golden suuuuun...
** me, a name I call myself; far, a long long way to ruuuuun...

Weapon of mass multiplication*

Yes, I know what it looks like (poo. It looks like poo.), but hold the judgement until you've tasted one. It's called a Granatsplitter, which translates to grenade splinter, and it's an ingenious way of recycling and selling bakery scraps. The bakers take the leftover dough from pies/cakes/whatever, mix it up with a bit (or sometimes a lot) of alcohol, and dunk it in chocolate. YUM.

And then you buy one, eat it, and spend the next half hour contemplating whether this was the best or the worst decision of your life. Then you realize that you need a larger sample size to draw a reliable conclusion and are forced to repeat the process. The travail of the scientific method, I tell you.

For the longest time I couldn't remember the name of these delectable... piles... and I was forced to develop a memory aid, which went as follows: "If you eat too many of these, you're going to be a real granite splitter." Granite splitter = Granatsplitter. And that's what you call a mnemonic device, kids.

*by which I mean that these top the list of "Things That Would Make Me Fat If I Spent Too Long in Germany."

Wahlkampf

I might need to change the name of this blog to "German Jokez 4 Life", but I couldn't resist this one. It's an election joke + German joke hybrid. Mathematically irresistible!

*mit = with, ohne = without

Now you get it! Now you're LOLing! ROFLing? I sure hope so.

Linguistic differences

As previously discussed, I love the German language. But as also previously discussed, I love JOKEZ more.

Canadians for sale or rent

Today in Useless Fun Facts About Germany (UFFAG? I'll keep working on it), Germans call canoes Kanadier, or "Canadians". As in, "Hey, you know what we should do today? Rent a Canadian and ride it down the river." Me: "GUYS I'M RIGHT HERE."

I don't know if it's one of those generic trademark situations or just a free association that stuck really well, but it's always fun to pass shops with "End of summer sale: all Canadians, 40% off" signs in the window. Get 'em while they're cheap!

Comedic stylings

What has four wheels and comes after the pre-nup?

Thank you... thank you. I'll be here all week.