Threat level aubergine

I know I said that the Palace of Culture seemed vaguely threatening, but I think this picture takes it up a notch to distinctly. Most suitable verb: LOOMING. Or BROODING.

I confess

I may have judged Warsaw prematurely. It's actually quite charming... I think it just took me a while to see it. I also think I'm unreasonably prejudiced by the fact that it's a million degrees Celsius with 112% humidity. There's no such thing as a nice city at that temperature.

 

This man is selling fur hats during a heat wave. That's charming! Or crazy! Or both!

I love the fact that the word 'museum' is pretty standard throughout Europe. They say that love is the universal language, but I'm pretty sure it's museums.

A pretentiously-titled building

The Palace of Culture is the biggest building in Warsaw; it's great for orienting yourself, because you can see it from almost anywhere. It's a relic of "socialist realism", the only style of architecture (and art) officially approved by the communists. The story goes that Stalin asked the people of Warsaw if they wanted a Palace of Culture or a metro system. They said a metro system, so Stalin gave them a Palace of Culture. To be fair, they should have known that Stalin would be all about reverse psychology.

One of the guidebooks referred to it as Gotham-esque, and I think that's pretty accurate. Which isn't to say it's ugly... it's big and blocky, but it's got a certain monumental charm. It does seem vaguely threatening, though.

I probably won't stay in Warsaw forever

I don't know exactly what to say about Warsaw. It's beautiful. It has some cool museums. It has lots of history - periods of Nazi and communist occupation, two epic uprisings against the Nazis (one in the Jewish ghetto in 1943 and a more general one in 1944, during which Varsovians briefly reclaimed their city). I should love it just as much as I loved Krakow, but I don't. It's nice though! Worth a visit!

I like this picture because I look forward to, at some point, explaining to future generations what the hell a Segway was. Or who knows, maybe by then we'll all be driving (riding?) them and this will be where it all began.

Bye Krakow

All good things come to an end, and this visit to Krakow is no exception. On to Warsaw! But first, more pictures of Krakow! Did you know that Krakow has the largest public square in Europe (200 metres by 200 metres) and was laid out according to Magdeburg Law (named after the city in Germany), which set out urban planning codes and a system of government for many medieval cities? Well, now you do. Did you also know that the Nazis used this German connection as a reason for "reclaiming" Krakow during the Second World War? Oh Nazis, you and your threadbare excuses...

Zakopane

On my last day in Krakow, I woke up at 5 am to take the bus to Zakopane, a little resort town in Poland's Tatra Mountains which is so close to Slovakia that I kept getting "Welcome to Slovakia" text messages. I told the guy at tourist information that I wanted to take an easy hike - he took one look at my yoga pants and old runners and apparently decided I needed a really easy hike, so he recommended the park's most popular tourist trail. It winds up the mountain to a hut where you can get a hot chocolate, which sounded good to me.

Mistake! There were about 300 cars in the parking lot and the "trail" could have been a two-lane highway in Saskatchewan. There were lots of people in sandals and even one girl in (low-ish, but still) wedge heels. I decided to flee at the first opportunity.

 
I held out for about 2 km before I got really annoyed and cut off the "trail" onto the first path into the trees. The signs were in Polish, so I didn't know exactly where I was going, only that it would take about two hours and 20 minutes to get there. I ended up in a nice meadow, which may or may not have been my intended destination.

 

 

The weather wasn't great, but there were wild blueberries and best of all, not many people (although there was one very bored school group, armed with mp3 players and iPhones, who were definitely not enjoying nature). At some point I remembered that there are probably bears in Poland (Google has since confirmed this) and questioned my judgement before deciding it would probably be okay. And it was!

One of these things is not like the others

Remember that annoying icebreaker game, two truths and a lie? Let's play! I'll go first.

1. This goulash in a bread bowl was delicious.

2. This cold, pink soup was delicious.

3. This grilled mountain cheese with cranberry sauce was delicious.

Any guesses? Okay, fine, number 2 is the lie. It looked so promising (it's pink, guys), but it tasted just awful. There were lots of green slimy things (leaves, maybe) floating in it and a whole boiled egg just sitting at the bottom of the bowl (by far the best part). Later I asked the receptionist at the hostel what it was called and she enthusiastically started telling me about the different recipes and I was too polite to tell her that the only reason I wanted to know what it's called is so that I can make sure to never, ever eat it again.

Auschwitz/Birkenau

You should know that I've wanted to visit Auschwitz for a long time. I've been to a few concentration camps in Germany and probably won't go to any more, but Auschwitz has a special distinction, for lack of a better word, as the worst of the worst and that's why I thought it would be worth visiting.

So first let me say, Auschwitz: totally worth visiting.

Normally I'm not a huge fan of guided tours around museums because they don't give you enough time to read every single word on every single sign in every single room. But I have to say that the guided tour at Auschwitz was a good decision (I say "decision", but actually they won't let you visit alone between 10 am and 3 pm). The guide was incredibly well-informed and struck exactly the right tone. He didn't fall into the trap of spending four hours over-using adjectives to describe how terrible the camps were; he just showed us around and explained what we were seeing. Auschwitz kind of speaks for itself. So 5 stars for the guide, really.

Auschwitz in 2012 looks a lot like a college campus during Orientation Week, with rows of tidy brick buildings and lots of people wandering around looking confused and a little scared. Of course, during the Second World War the lawns were mud and filth and there were people dying or being killed all around. I didn't take any pictures of the rooms full of hair, shoes, brushes, suitcases, spectacles, or children's toys which were just a small fraction of the things stolen from the prisoners either before or after they were killed. You can find pictures on Google if you're interested, but I think they lose something in a photograph.

What struck me the most was the awful hypocrisy of the camps. There was a document on display (below) in which the SS ordered a truck to pick up "materials for the Jewish resettlement" from a nearby town. By "materials for the Jewish resettlement", they meant canisters of Zyklon B, which they would use in the gas chambers. And they knew this when they wrote the document. And the way they disguised the gas chambers as showers... they didn't just tell the people they were about to murder that they were showers, they went to the trouble of installing fake showerheads and a dressing room with hooks, where the prisoners were told to hang their clothes and remember where they left them so they could find them later. And again, the people who relayed these orders were 100% aware that they were about to kill these people. Like, if you're so proud of what you're doing, own up to it! If it's not a terrible, terrible thing to do, why do you have to hide it?

 

Later in the tour we took the bus to Birkenau, the camp the SS built when they realized they weren't killing people efficiently enough at Auschwitz. At Birkenau, the train could pull right into the camp to offload prisoners and half of the barracks were wood, rather than brick, which offered even less protection to the prisoners during cold Polish winters. A great achievement, I'm sure.

Birkenau was not as well-preserved as Auschwitz - after liberating both camps, the Russian Army dismantled a lot of the barracks at Birkenau; the war was still on and they needed the wood - and I therefore found it harder to picture what had happened there. Also, at this point we were four hours into the tour and I needed a sandwich.

Fact: the two warehouses at Auschwitz (where the Nazis kept the things they took from the prisoners before either killing them or putting them to work, which would kill them within days, weeks, or months) were named after Canada (Canada I and Canada II), because Canada was seen as a land of great wealth and promise and the warehouses were where they kept the "great wealth" they plundered from the people they then murdered. And that's a strong candidate for "worst compliment Canada has ever received".

So: quite depressing, very informative, completely worthwhile. That's my review.

P.S. There were signs up all over Auschwitz with a list of "do's and don'ts", most of which were pretty self-explanatory. The one that made me laugh was "No children under 12 without parents or guardians." Because, pro tip: If you sent your ten-year-old to Auschwitz alone, you're not going to be winning any "best parent" awards.

Om Nom Nom

A couple of days ago, I mentioned the best hot chocolate in Krakow. Now I hope you didn't think I was just going to leave you hanging without a detailed description and pictures. You know me better than that.

So, the best hot chocolate in Krakow is at a cafe called Nowa Prowincja and it's so chocolatey that they have to stir it constantly to keep it from congealing. To that end, it's kept in a vat with a paddle that rotates like a cement mixer.

When you order it, which you do because you have excellent taste, it comes out of the vat in a thick stream and then they top it with a dollop of whipped cream. And then you spoooooon it out of the cup because you can't drink it like normal hot chocolate because it isn't normal hot chocolate, it's like a cross between hot chocolate and chocolate mousse.

And that's the way (uh-huh uh-huh) I like it.

If it ain't broke

Every night (I'm extrapolating from the four nights I've been here, but I think that's legitimate), Krakow's main square plays host to a group of breakdancers. I am not a breakdance expert (somehow, despite the one class I took in grade 9), but they seem quite good. They're also funny. I think I might be in love with every single one of them. I've seen their whole act four times now and it doesn't change much, but that means it's always awesome! Look at these pictures really quickly and it will be almost like you're here!

Or you could just look at this gif. It's up to you.

I might stay in Krakow forever

Everybody I talked to as "research" before this trip said something along the lines of "You have to go to Krakow." I was planning to anyway, but I was curious to see why so many people love Krakow so much. And I GET IT. It's beautiful and friendly and has lots of fantastic museums and has had periods of both Nazi and communist occupation. And, bonus: Lauren, an American friend of mine from my year in Mainz, is living here for a couple of months and knows where the best perogies and hot chocolate are (hint: not the same place). So here's a preview of some of the more artistic evening shots from my first two days in Krakow.

I call this one "Running from a Taxi".

 

And this one is "Jesus Christ, Can't You See I'm Taking a Picture".

The night bus

In my quest to discover Eastern Europe while staying in countries covered by my health care insurance, I set off to Poland Monday night. I always seem to book night buses (or trains! or planes!) when they're available, reasoning that I'll save money on accommodation and I'll probably be able to sleep just fine. RIGHT. Anyway, this particular night bus was full of Polish grandmas, their hand-embroidered throw pillows, and their sandwiches wrapped in aluminum foil. Cute!

The entertainment for the evening was an English movie "dubbed" into Polish. I say "dubbed" because all the voices were done by one person, a man, who apparently felt no need to match his voice to the lips onscreen or to sound angry when the characters were clearly angry.  It's surprisingly disconcerting to hear the same voice coming from the mouths of Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Chris Rock, and the guy who played Deuce Bigalow (male gigolo). Oh and they didn't bother to edit out the English voices, so the whole experience was most reminiscent of a foreign documentary or simultaneous translation at the UN. Compare this to Germany, where even the crappiest of movies are dubbed with the care and accuracy befitting a cinematic masterpiece and where the voice actors for the big Hollywood stars become rich and famous in their own right.*  But the lady next to me was loving it; she lol-ed all the way to the Polish border.

Anyway, 12 hours, three sandwiches, and one epic neck cramp later, I'm in Poland! It seems nice!

*This seems like an appropriate moment to mention that a former roommate of mine is now living with the German voice actor for George Clooney. Clearly she's moving up in the world.

Luftwaffe

Now that football is over until 2014, it's time to turn our attention to another German national obsession: lüften. This translates to "airing out" and is one of the first words I learned in Germany because they use it, well, constantly. In Germany, there is nothing that can't be lüften-ed: bedrooms, bathrooms, classrooms, cars, clothes, kitchens, sheets, pillows, rugs, tents, shoes, sleeping bags... if you can name it, Germans can lüften it. It is absolutely essential to lüften regularly in order to get rid of schlechte Luft (bad air, which most Germans visualize as a malevolent presence hovering over them at all times) and replace it with frische Luft (fresh air).

These are the same Germans, by the way, who are convinced that if you go outside with wet hair you will 100% no doubt about it get a cold or a bladder infection or maybe even a heart attack. Clearly, Germans have a deeply ambivalent relationship with Luft.

What's in a name?

This is the Schöner Brunnen (Beautiful Fountain) one of the most famous sights in Nuremberg's Hauptmarkt (market square). It really is beautiful, albeit in a very, very ornate sort of way - apparently they weren't super into minimalism in the 14th century. It was encased in concrete during the Second World War, which is why it's still standing today even though 85% of Nuremberg's old town was leveled by Allied bombing raids.

There's a local legend that turning the brass ring set into the decorative iron fence will bring good luck, but this is clearly a trap because there are actually two rings. There's always a crowd of tourists standing in front of/having their picture taken with each ring and no one's ever been able to tell me for sure which one's the "right" one. And since the "wrong" one is said to make you pregnant, I figure it's better to just stay away from the rings altogether.

In the winter, it's a centrepiece of the world-renowned (WORLD-RENOWNED, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN) Nuremberg Christmas Market and looks particularly pretty all lit up.

Canada Tag

After a spectacular Canada Day last year (I climbed through a garden at the university to find and hug a maple tree and taught some friends to sing O Canada - a year later, they only remember the first two words and insist on singing them to the tune of O Tannenbaum), I decided to step things up with a red and white (Canadaaaaa!) wine party this year.

 Michi baked this cool cake!

 

 Some of us got maple leaf tattoos!

And some of us encouraged minors to drink, which I do not

condone and neither does Canada.

I also, of course, tied myself in knots trying to explain what exactly Canada Day celebrates. "Well, the signing of the British North America Act, of course. Well no, we still weren't really a country. Well no, the constitution happened a lot later. Well no, but it kind of made Canada a "thing", you know? Just have some more wine. MAPLE SYRUP."

Austria goes pop

I was in Austria over the weekend and seized the opportunity to pick up a bottle of Almdudler, the quintessential Austrian soft drink.

No fewer than 32 Alpine herbs (and a shitload of sugar, of course) combine to create a beverage that tastes almost exactly like apple juice. It's magical.

Going over to the dark side

There's an inexplicable belief in Germany that herbal tea is somehow "real tea", as opposed to the coloured hot water it really is. In fact, herbal tea is the default in Germany. If you want real tea, you have to specifically ask for "black tea" or "green tea" or else you're getting some sort of Hagebütte-Holunderblüten-Sonnenblumenblütenblätter-Schwachsinn (rosehip-elderflower-sunflower-petal-nonsense).

Anyway, the Empire (and not the British one) has won. I woke up this morning to a grey, depressing sky and my first thought was, "Ooo what about brewing a nice herbal tea and answering a few emails?" This simply will not do.